Help! I'm Stuck on Triton!!!!!

[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

As some of you already know, I own a vacation home on Triton (a moon of Neptune). I usually spend my Summers there. Every Spring, I blast off in my rocket ship from my top-secret launch site. Every Fall, I return to Earth in my space ship.

But this year, something went horribly wrong. Laura Bush (our first lady) blasted out a tremendous fart. She "ripped a big one". Her fart was so monsterous that I felt it all the way out here on Triton. The whole moon shook. She almost blew the moon to pieces. I re-enforced the hull of my ship before I left, but, apparently, that wasn't good enough. Laura's fart fused my di-lithium crystals. Now my warp engines don't work. Her fart also blew out my flux capacitor. Now my ion engines don't work either. My life-support systems are running on back-up battery power.

Now I must wait 6 months for the next supply ship to arrive from Alpha Centauri. I can't get back home again. It's a good thing that I took my Rush and Pink Floyd CD's with me. At least I will have something to listen to while I am waiting for the supply ship to arrive. I'm also glad that I took my Sirius satallite radio with me so I can listen to Howard Stern. I actually receive the signal out here.

Help! I'm stuck on Triton!!!!!

Augie ;D

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[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

Commander Adama of the "Battlestar Galactica" heard Laura's fart. He thought it was a "cylon mass-destruction device".

Augie ;D

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[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

I have made friends with the local people here on Triton. They call themselves "Tritonians". They are very friendly. They like me, and I get along very well with them.

However, there is a problem. Every time Laura Bush rips out a fart, she causes instability on Triton. Her farts cause geysers of nitrogen, methane, and ammonia to shoot up into Triton's atmosphere. It is poisoning the Tritonian people.

"Kleptnax" is the leader of the Tritonians. He is a nice guy. He likes me, and he makes me feel very welcome here on Triton.

Kleptnax is concerned about his people, and he fears for their well-being. He has an urgent appeal to make :

Kleptnax is begging and imploring Laura Bush to stop farting so much. She is poisoning Triton's atmosphere and putting his people in grave danger. He suggested that she can put a cork in her ass.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

As you probably know, the planet Uranus is unique in the sense that it rotates on its side. In other words, its pole faces the Sun instead of its equator.

Kleptnax has a theory as to why this is the case. Many years ago, Uranus was "normal". But Laura Bush's tremendous fart blew Uranus on its side and altered its spin forever. That's why it rotates that way now.

Augie

[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

The Hubble space telescope just made a remarkable discovery. It discovered 2 NEW moons of Pluto. For years, we always knew that Pluto had only 1 moon (Charon). Now, thanks to Hubble, we know that Pluto has 3 moons.

Kleptnax has a theory as to how those 2 new moons got there. Those 2 moons used to be in orbit around Neptune. But Laura Bush's fart blasted them out of their trajectory. The force of the concussion of the blast from Laura's fart blasted those 2 moons out of Neptune's orbit and blew them all the way to Pluto. Now, they are Pluto's moons - thanks to Laura's fart.

Kleptnax misses those 2 moons. He used to be able to see them from Triton.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

A few months ago, scientists made an amazing discovery. Juipter has a new "spot". It is actually another storm, just like the other spot. Scientists are wondering how it was created.

I have a theory. I think it was Laura's fart. Her fart was so powerful that it created another storm and another spot on Jupiter.

Augie

[Augie]

Greetings Earthlings,

The last time I visited Triton, I met Meepzorp. He is a creature from the planet Bucocky, which is located in the Blumpkin galaxy.

Meepzorp looks like the Greco-Roman sea monster Skylla. He told me that he knows Riley Martin.

Meepzorp also told me that he felt Laura's fart in the Blumpkin galaxy, which is approximately 8.3 billion light years from Earth. It appears that Laura's fart has magical powers. It is capable of traveling much faster than the speed of light. Physicists should be studying her farts for potential time travel purposes.

Augie