Fart Stories

[Augie]

Hi folks,

I am a "flatulance king". I love to fart, I fart a lot, and I love to tell fart stories. Most of my family is the same way. I am a third generation American of Italian descent. My "big fat Italian family" (my extended family) likes to get together on holidays. During those days, we all fart our brains out. We all tell fart stories and compare notes on our farts. Then we all sit down and try to figure out who ripped out the best fart since our last family gathering.

A few years ago, my family got together for Thanksgiving or Christmas. For some reason, we all had excessive gas that day. We were all farting our brains out (more so than usual). We decided to start counting our farts. In a span of about 3 1/2 hours, we ripped out 75 farts.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

When I was a kid, my "big fat Italian family" used to take trips in gangs of dozens of people. I remember one year about 20-25 years ago, when I was about 12-14 years old. My extended family took a trip to Wildwood, NJ. There were about 30 of us, and we rented out about 5 hotel rooms. My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. were all there.

For some reason, we all had excessive gas there. We were all farting our brains out. We had a real "blast". I have a cousin who was born blind. Since he is blind, he developed unusual traits. For example, he likes to count things. For some reason, he decided to count our farts.

We were there for 4 or 5 days. Believe it or not, we ripped out 550 farts during our vacation there. That is not an exaggeration. We really ripped out 550 farts. We had a ball. We farted anywhere and everywhere. I remebered that for all these years.

Can you imagine the poor people who had to rent out those hotel rooms after us?

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

In my previous post, I mentioned our vacation. There was another funny aspect to it.

One night, we went out to eat in Urie's restaurant in Wildwood, NJ. When we were sitting at the table, my father and my uncle were farting their brains out. I never heard so many farts before in my life. I think that everyone in the restaurant heard them. The entire dining area stunk of farts. That was almost 25 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I even remember my uncle eating lobster that night.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

A few years ago, my cousin was in the hospital. Some of my family members went to visit her. My father and my uncle were farting their brains out in the hospital. They farted in the room, in the halls, in the elevator, etc., etc. My aunt got very annoyed.

My mother came home and told me about it. She said, "Oh, it was disgusting. The whole f**king hospital stunk."

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

About 1 year ago, my family was at my aunt's house eating their traditional Sunday Italian dinner. My father had so much gas. He was farting his brains out. My aunt got so disgusted. She ran upstairs yelling, "I ain't smelling shit!!!" My father was hysterical laughing.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

About 1 year ago, my aunt had a party at her house. My mother and father were getting ready to go there. My father had excessive gas. He was farting his brains out as he was getting dressed/ready. He ripped out one fart that lasted about 8 seconds long. This is what it sounded like : "bbbrrroooooooommm-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-bbbrrroooooooommm".

My mother got annoyed and screamed at him, "You better not fart like that over there. My sister is getting company." My father started laughing his ass off. God only knows how many farts he ripped out at my aunt's house. He must have "entertained" everyone.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

I have a cousin who is JUST like me in the sense that he likes to fart a lot. He does it at work too. Sometimes, he drives the company truck with his co-workers in it.

One day, the truck was filled with people. My cousin blasted out such a tremendous fart. The whole truck shook. It stunk like a bastard. It smelled like he ate road kill. The guys in the truck couldn't take the smell. They were dying. One guy opened the door. A bunch of guys jumped out of the truck while it was still moving. They would rather jump out of a moving truck than smell my cousin's fart. That's how bad it stunk.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

My cousin (mentioned above) was at work one day. His boss was standing next to him. My cousin blasted out a tremendous fart. His boss started to run away, and his helmet went flying right off his head. Everyone cleared out of that area. It stunk so bad. After a while, everyone went back again. His boss picked up his helmet and put it back on his head.

Everyone was joking with my cousin after that fart. He blasted out such a tremendous fart that he blew his boss' helmet right off his head. Everyone was laughing.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

My cousin temporarily moved in with his mother while he was looking for a new house.

One night, he prepared her bed. He ripped out a tremendous fart. It stunk like a bastard. It smelled like he ate road kill. He ran out of the room and closed the door behind him. Then he went into his room and went to bed.

A few minutes later, his mother came out of the bathroom and walked into her room. She got some whiff. She started yelling, "Did you fart in here? You f**king stink. You f**king bastard!"

It was hilarious. Try to imagine this 80 year old Italian lady yelling at her son for farting and uttering those words.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

My cousin was shopping in K-Mart once. The store and aisle were crowded. He blasted out a tremendous fart. The whole f**king building shook. He almost blew the roof off the place.

It stunk like a bastard. He cleared out he whole aisle though. Everyone ran away. Suddenly, the aisle wasn't so crowded any more. He had the whole aisle to himself. He had to smell shit though.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

My cousin was shopping in Wal-Mart once with his mother (who is 80 years old and senile). He ripped out a SBV fart, and she didn't hear it.

A woman was in the aisle. She was pushing her baby in the stroller. My cousin's mother (the senile old bat that she is) thought that the baby shit himself. She walked up to the woman and baby. She said to the baby, "You did boom-booms".

My cousin just bursted out hysterical laughing. His mother had absolutely no clue why. She said to my cousin, "Why are you laughing?" My cousin replied, "That wasn't the baby. It was me. I farted."

His mother started yelling at him. She called him a "f**k" about 20 times.

It was hilarious.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

A few months ago, my aunts were at my house. We were all sitting at my kitchen table. One of my aunts (who is about 75 years old) blasted out a tremendous fart. My whole house shook. She was hysterical laughing. It stunk like a bastard. It smelled like she ate road kill.

Everyone was gagging and gasping for air. My other aunt (who is about 80 years old) started yelling at her, "What the f**k is the matter with you? You stink like a f**king bastard."

My aunt (who farted) started laughing even harder. It was hilarious. She kept farting all night long. My house still stunk of her farts for a few hours after she left.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

The last time I was at my sister's house, something really funny happened. I was standing in the living room next to my neice's fish tank. I was watching the fish. My neice and her friend (who are 11 years old) were standing about 3-4 feet away from me.

I felt a fart coming on. So, I thought of something ingenius. I blasted out a tremendous fart. The whole house shook. I almost blew the roof off the place. My neice and her friend were looking at each other in shock and disbelief. I said, "Did you hear that fish? The fish just farted." I was trying to convince them that it was the fish that farted and not me. But they weren't buying my story.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

Several months ago, I had to have my tongue operated on. My dental plan requires me to go to the dental clinic at SIUH hospital.

I was standing on line in the dental registration area. I had so much gas. I was farting my brains out. I ripped out 5 farts as I was standing on line. It stunk like a bastard. It smelled like I ate road kill. It smelled like a cross between a dead horse and burnt plastic. I "bombed out" the whole registration area.

This Hispanic/Mexican guy was standing next to me. After my third fart, he was getting VERY annoyed. He looked like he wanted to punch me or kill me. I guess he didn't like the smell of my farts. I guess he got tired of smelling shit.

Augie ;D

[Augie]

Hi folks,

A few days ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table eating lunch. My father was sitting next to me reading the newspaper. My father had excessive gas that day, and he was farting his brains out. He ripped out 16 farts within a span of 30 minutes (as I was trying to eat). It stunk like a bastard. It smelled like something crawled up his ass and died. He was laughing his ass off.

Augie ;D