Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Dec 20, 2005 21:44:38 GMT
Hi folks,
My parents know someone who owns a condo in FL. A few months ago, my parents and about 8 other people went there. They are all friends.
My mother was sitting in her friend's condo. She blasted out a tremendous fart. The whole building shook, and the walls vibrated. One of my mother's male friends was standing near her when she farted. He got scared and jumped. He said, "I thought the wall was coming down."
They were all laughing their asses off.
I saw my mother's friend recently, and he told me this story.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on May 19, 2006 21:01:31 GMT
Hi folks,
For Christmas 2005, my "big fat Italian family" went to my cousin's house. There were about 30-40 people there. I didn't go because I didn't feel good that day. I stayed home. I wound up falling asleep anyway, so it's a good thing I didn't go.
Everyone was farting their brains out. First, my aunt ripped out a few nasty farts. Some friends of the family were sitting near her. I guess they weren't used to people farting. They were gagging and dying from the smell. Their eyes were tearing from the raunchy smell.
Then, my father blasted out a few wicked farts. Everyone was dying from the smell.
Then (best of all), my sister's husband squished out a few wicked farts. He was vile. It smelled like he ate road kill. He cleared out the room. Everyone ran out of the room because his farts stunk so bad.
My poor cousin. Her whole house stunk of farts for Christmas.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 20:16:47 GMT
Hi folks,
My grammar school is having a 25 year reunion. On a questionaire, I was asked what my favorite memory of grammar school was. This was my response:
I was in 8th grade. I was riding on the S111 city bus. A retarded guy from Seaview (who appeared to have Down's Syndrome) was sitting. I was standing. Another kid ("Joe") sat next to the retarded guy. All of a sudden, the retarded guy got this weird/crazy look on his face, and he smiled. I knew he was gonna do something. He picked up his ass cheek and aimed his ass at Joe like a cannon. Then, he blasted out this TREMENDOUS fart. It was the loudest and most tremendous fart I have ever heard in my entire life. The whole bus shook and vibrated. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't stand up anymore. Joe got up and ran away. I never saw him move so fast in all my life. The retarded guy was hysterical laughing. He was drooling, and saliva was dripping all over his clothes.
A year passed, and I hadn't seen Joe because we went to different high schools. I went to Msgr. Farrell HS, and Joe went to St. Joseph by the Sea HS. I was a freshman in high school. Coincidentally, I just happened to be riding on the S111 city bus again. I was sitting. Joe got on the bus. He saw me sitting there, and he bursted out hysterical laughing. I immediately knew why he was laughing. Joe came over to me hysterical laughing. He was laughing so hard that he couldn't even get the sentence out of his mouth. He didn't even say hello. The first sentence out of his mouth was, "Do you remember that time when that guy farted on the bus?" The two of us just bursted out hysterical laughing. I remember thinking to myself, "Could you say hello first?"
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 20:29:52 GMT
Hi folks, About 2 years ago, one of my uncles died. I went to the wake. I was standing in the back corner of the funeral parlor with my male cousin and another uncle. We were talking. A female cousin came walking over to us. She asked us why we were all standing in the corner. I said, "This is the gas corner. We came back here to fart." My male cousin and my uncle bursted out hysterical laughing. My female cousin rolled her eyes and sort of half-laughed. She walked away shaking her head. By the way, it really was the gas corner. I cranked out a few "beauties" back there. Augie
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 20:46:28 GMT
Hi folks,
When I was younger, I used to go to the movie theater a lot. I used to fart my brains out. I was vile. It smelled like I ate road kill. Sometimes, the people sitting near me would get disgusted. They would get up and walk away. They would go sit on the other side of the theater.
There was one incident I remember vividly. It was in circa 1987, and I was watching Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive" movie. It was the scene where the soda machine goes crazy on the baseball field and shoots soda cans at a kid. I blasted out such a TREMENDOUS fart. The whole f**king building shook. I almost blew the roof off the place. That was the loudest and most tremendous fart I have ever ripped out in my entire life. Some guy (who was sitting ALL the way over on the other side of the theater - about 20 rows away from me) yelled out, "Holy f**king shit!!! What the hell was that???!!!!! Was that a fart???!!!!! Oh my god!!!!!" He didn't just say this. He YELLED it. There was a woman sitting behind me about 30 years old, and she had a 5-8 year old boy with her. The boy yelled out, "Mommy, what was that noise, mommy?!!!" I turned around. This woman had a look on her face - like she wanted to kill me (if looks could kill.....). Her nose was curled up, and she was shaking her head back and forth in disbelief. She was also mumbling something to herself. Of course, I was hysterical laughing.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 20:58:50 GMT
Hi folks,
I told this story on another Rush board. I am re-telling it here.
A few years ago, my male cousin moved into a new home in NJ. There was a carbon monoxide detector in his bedroom. One night, he blasted out a tremendous fart in his sleep. It sort of woke him up briefly. Then, he tried to fall back to sleep again. The next thing he knew, his carbon monoxide detector went off. It scared the shit out of him. At first, he didn't know what it was. Then, he realized that he had just ripped out a tremendous fart in his sleep. Believe it or not, my cousin's fart actually set off his carbon monoxide detector. This is a true story.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 21:01:53 GMT
Hi folks,
I have MANY fart stories from my college years to tell (dorm room, library, etc.).
I am saving them for my autobiography (which I plan on writing soon).
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 22:37:16 GMT
Hi folks,
A few months ago, I ws in my kitchen with my mother, my father, and my aunt. I blasted out 3 farts. My aunt got mad. Then, my father ripped out a fart. My aunt got really pissed off. She got up and went in the living room. She was bitching and yelling and cursing us.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jun 2, 2006 22:40:46 GMT
Hi folks,
A few weeks ago, I was in my kitchen with my mother and my aunt. I blasted out a tremendous fart. My aunt got mad. Then, my mother ripped out a fart. My aunt got so pissed off that she got up and ran outside. She was bitching and yelling and cursing us. My mother and I were hysterical laughing.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jul 21, 2006 15:50:01 GMT
Hi folks,
About 2 weeks ago, my mother and sister were shopping in Target in NJ. They both had a lot of gas, and they were both farting their brains out in the store. My mother blasted out a tremendous, loud fart. The whole building shook. My sister ripped out a few SBV farts. Right after my sister ripped out one of her SBV farts, a little boy must have smelled it. He said to his mother, "Mommy, that lady just farted."
My sister was still farting her brains out after she got home. My neice was yelling at her.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Jul 21, 2006 15:55:43 GMT
Hi folks, A few days ago, my parents were preparing to go out. They were invited to a friend's house. My father had a lot of gas that day, and he was farting his brains out all day long. He stunk BAD!!! As he was getting dressed, he continued farting his brains out. My mother yelled at him. She said, "You better not fart like that over there!!! Everyone will run out of the house. Maybe you better stay home." My father was laughing his ass off. Augie
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Sept 22, 2006 18:31:40 GMT
Hi folks,
For Labor Day, my aunts came over my house. Two of my aunts were in the living room. My mother was in the kitchen. She must have blasted out a wicked fart and then left the room.
My aunt walked in the kitchen and ran right back out again. She ran into the living room where my other aunt was sitting. She yelled, "Whew...she stinks like hell!!!" Everyone was hysterical laughing.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Oct 10, 2006 17:07:23 GMT
Hi folks,
About 1 week ago, I saw my doctor at the SIMG/SIPP/HIP medical center. As I was standing by the counter and checking in with his secretary, I blasted out a wicked SBV fart. It smelled like I ate road kill.
About 2-3 seconds after I ripped it out, a black woman came up behind me in line. She stood there for about 2 seconds and then ran away gasping for air. She had a look on her face like she wanted to vomit.
A few seconds later, my fart started permeating throughout the waitng room. A Chinese/Korean woman was sitting closest to me. She was looking all around the room with this weird look on her face trying to figure out who farted.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Oct 10, 2006 17:13:34 GMT
Hi folks,
Recently, my parents took a short trip to upstate NY. They ate in a restaurant with friends of the family. As they were leaving the restaurant, my mother blasted out a tremendous fart. It was LOUD! My father said that everyone in the restaurant heard it and was looking.
A man who lives near the restaurant had a dog in his yard to keep the deer out of his vegetable garden. My father said that the dog started barking when it heard my mother's fart. That's how loud it was.
Augie ;D
|
|
Augie
The Fart Meister
Posts: 491
|
Post by Augie on Oct 11, 2006 16:20:16 GMT
Hi folks,
As I was leaving my sister's house yesterday, we had to drop off my neice at St. Rita's church for confirmation practice. It brought back many memories. I went to St. Rita's grammer school. Because of my illness, I don't get out much. I hadn't been there since my sister's wedding in 1990. I noticed a lot of changes.
In 1990, I was in the very beginning of my illness. My sister's wedding was probably the last major thing I did in my life prior to the "bad years" of my illness.
I remember sitting in St. Rita's church in 1990. We were rehearsing for my sister's wedding. There were only 6 of us there - myself, my brother-in-law's brother, my brother-in-law's friend, my brother-in-law's sister, and 2 of my sister's friends. No one else was there. The priest wasn't there either.
The 6 of us were just sitting there talking when I felt a HUGE pocket of gas in my colon. I blasted out a TREMENDOUS fart. It revertebrated off of the wooden pew and echoed throughtout the entire church. The walls vibrated. I almsot blew the roof off the place. Me and the 2 guys were hysterical laughing. The 3 girls got really pissed off. It was hilarious.
I also cranked out 3-4 massive burps in church that day too.
Augie ;D
|
|